Ed and I talked about possibly trying again for a healthy baby. We both agreed we were on the same page and ready to try again. In June of 2014 we were pregnant again! I was told there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and I knew this was our light! We just didn’t know it would happen so soon! We were thrilled and exhilarated, while also being painfully nervous and cautious. I quickly jumped on the doctors orders by picking up my injections within the hour of our positive results. Ed reluctantly gave me my first 40mg shot of Lovenox in my stomach. I was laying on the floor as Ed pinched the skin on my stomach with one hand holding the syringe in the other. He looked at me and began to apologize even before the needle touched my skin. I explained to him I am not afraid of shots especially when it is saving our precious angel baby in my tummy. He quickly stabbed me and injected the medicine. Pulling out the syringe as fast as possible and looking at me with a frightened look. Tears were instantly streaming down my face, my stomach was on fire. It took my breath away. I was definitely not expecting it to hurt so bad! From then on, Ed gave me the shot slower so the medicine could gradually enter my body. This technique saved us. The first time I had to give myself a shot was terrifying. I was in our bathroom, I pinched my skin and counted to three. Then I counted to three again, and again. Weird tears fell from my face as I was laughing at myself. I reminded myself why I had to do this. I quickly pricked my stomach with the needle and slowly injected the burning medicine. My pep talk worked!
Along with my daily injection I took a daily dose of baby aspirin to prevent clotting in my uterus caused by my genetic blood disorders: Factor V Leiden, Factor 2 Mutation, and MTHFR. I also took Neevo DHA, which is an amazing prenatal that allows my body to absorb Folic Acid due to MTHFR. Along with Folbee, which is extra folic acid along with different forms of vitamin B. The doc also prescribed me 400mg of Progesterone suppositories twice daily.
Feeling very positive about this pregnancy since we were being so proactive I still had my scary doubts. We approached this pregnancy much differently than the first. We only told our parents and siblings. After we lost our first baby, it was so painful when people who didn’t know I miscarried would ask me about my pregnancy. I did not want to relive that.
Each prenatal appointment I was shaking uncontrollably and my blood pressure would be higher than normal because I worked myself up so much. I would hold my breath during each ultrasound, preparing myself for the worst. We scheduled the appointments around Ed’s work schedule so he could be there in case we received bad news. After seeing our baby’s strong and healthy heart beat a warm wave of happiness poured across my body. I have never before experienced this kind of relief and utter joy! We still avoided talking about my pregnancy because it made me nervous and I was trying to stay as calm as possible.
I felt like we were really on the right track! But I was feeling extremely uncomfortable… My abdomen was not only sore to the touch but it was also black and blue (from the injections) in the midst of bikini season. I was also leaking nasty progesterone 24/7, and having amazing yet strong morning sickness.
I was finally at twelve weeks! I began to look at pregnancy announcements for our bundle of joy. Although, we didn’t want the world to know until we were 20 weeks along this time. Which would have been in October. So we were going with a picture of adorable carved pumpkins to tell family and friends about our new little pumpkin joining our patch!
September 3, 2014 I went into the restroom after leaking more icky progesterone…Only to my surprise it was blood. The last thing you want to see while you’re pregnant… I paused and felt like I was in a movie. I tried to take a breath before I ran out and told Ed as my voice was shaking out of complete fear. He tried to comfort me but I called the doctor anyway. They told me to come into the office right away. We waited in the lobby for the longest 45 minutes of my life. They finally called me in. It wasn’t my nurse or doctor, it was a sweet midwife. She quickly ran an ultrasound across my belly. Again, she was staring at the screen not saying a word, my eyes were wildly looking for our baby’s strong heart beat. But our baby looked much smaller and misshapen from at our last appointment. The midwife left saying she would bring in our doctor. The Dr came into the room with his comforting smile. He and his nurse began to examine the ultrasound as I lay there helplessly with the wand sliding across my stomach. The biggest knot formed in my throat which made my breathing to be forced. Still hoping for positive news the doctor yet again said, “I am so sorry, your baby no longer has a heart beat. The bleeding you are experiencing is your body miscarrying.”
…miscarry… The words rang in my ears for days after.
With our first miscarriage I only felt sadness. This time I lay there with a different set of cards. Complete madness. Anger is viciously pumping through all of my veins. Wondering, what is wrong with me?! Feeling such hatred towards my body. Feeling like I jabbed myself with a needle for 3 months, I put nasty suppositories inside me twice a day, took all the best and most expensive vitamins right on time.. For no reason! Why was I always so health conscious about the organic and real foods that I put in my body and staying active when everywhere I looked it seemed people eating complete shit were 9 months pregnant with a healthy beautiful baby. I have always done a nice job of keeping negative thoughts at bay and not judging people. But my personality soon took a 180. Inside, I was a very bitter girl. Jealousy was raging from head to toe.
I left the doctors with my worst fear… My lifeless baby inside me. Leaving me with nothing to do but feel the emotional and physical pain. I began to have worse and worse cramps which left me doubled over. Later finding out they were contractions lasting for 48 hours. I went home and sat on the porch by myself for over an hour. Feeling even more alone than I did with my first miscarriage. Ed went to work and I refused to sit at home and feel sorry for myself. So I drove myself to work that night and taught ballet to my student for 5 hours sitting in a chair at the front of the room crippled from pain. The bleeding continued to quickly worsen and soon I was forced to take restroom breaks every 30 minutes. Quickly wiping my tears in the bathroom mirror before I walked back into my cheerful and hardworking classroom. I was terrified. The only thing that kept me from having a complete breakdown was being forced to keep it together in front of my “kiddos”. I got home at 9:45pm and quickly climbed into my lonely bed. Crying in pain I finally fell asleep. I had to wake up at 4:00am for my D&C. After weighing the pros and cons we felt this was the safest way. The nurses hooked me up to an IV after 3 painful attempts. They were now inducing me before the procedure. By this point, I was having the most intense contractions just seconds apart and soon enough they wheeled me into the surgery room. I woke up, again feeling more empty than I did the first time.
No one knew about our loss this time and the people who did know I pretended I was fine and said I didn’t want to talk about it. Putting my brave face on. Inside I was falling apart. But I went weeks without shedding a single tear in front of anyone.
A week after my miscarriage the ballet company was starting rehearsals for our new season. Giselle was first on our program. A ballet classic I have never danced and was truly looking forward to. Although, I made the biggest decision of my career and decided it would be best for me to take a break from performing. I knew I needed time to mend myself. I knew i finally needed a break. I would not have been an asset to the company during this time. The director was so understanding and told everyone I was taking a leave of absence. Not only did I lose both pregnancy, the appearance of my leg but also my career and livelihood. It was a hard transition.
Honestly, taking a break was the best decision. Before I was working 70 hours a week. Now I have a ‘normal’ schedule. Allowing me to spend some much-needed time with my husband! I now work with the most positive people, and get to choose my hours. I am continuing to teach to the greatest students. Coaching some wonderful students one on one for the prestigious ballet competition; YAGP. Mommy instincts were still running through my veins, so we decided to get a puppy! We got the most well-behaved English Mastiff who takes up much of my past time, he now outweighs me!
I also started fitness classes at 5:45am. I loved having a reason to get my booty out of bed bright and early. Beginning my day on such a positive note was beyond words. Along with building such a wonderful FitFam!
We also traveled for pleasure! We bought an RV and drove from our home to Florida, stopping in Georgia and Tennessee. We explored Tampa, West Palm Beach, and Daytona, Florida. Visiting friends and watching Daytona Freeride. It was such a fun and memorable experience that I will cherish forever!
We took helicopter rides in Ed’s personal Heli. We went sailing in our sail boat, even though it was a bit chilly.
I can now make it to every wedding, shower, birthday party, and get to together. I haven’t had this much freedom in 10 years. It feels wonderful. I have never been one to sit on the sidelines. I unfortunately don’t know how to do that! Before, making a single doctor or dentist appointment was nearly impossible with my work schedule. So, now I was able to start making appointments. I saw high-risk OBGYN’s getting second & third opinions on treatments during my pregnancies. I made appointments with a Genetic Counselor, reviewing Me and Ed’s family health history and testing for any genetic disorders. Which then led me to a hematologist. He was wonderful, testing me for absolutely everything. Answering all of my questions in detail. I also did my own research. I googled, asked questions, called people, wrote on forums, and read books, which I know annoyed some doctors. I can confidently say I feel very knowledgable about what what is going on in my body.
After much research, I decided to look into fertility acupuncturists. I previously had acupuncture done on my back after two years of dealing with my ribs that would painfully pop out of place due to partnering in ballet. After seeing my own results and reading of others having pregnancy success after acupuncture, I knew this was something I wanted to try. I called and made an appointment with a fertility acupuncturist . I now look forward to my appointments every other week with her, she has taught me so much… From listening to my body, what to eat, and most importantly, asking doctors as many questions as I can and not feeling ashamed to do so.
I was very reluctant starting this blog. I want to thank my mom and sister for suggesting I do so. It has been very therapeutic, but my favorite thing about this blog is others opening up and telling me their stories as well! My main goal was to normalize complicated pregnancies, make you feel not so alone, and to open up a door for discussion. Also, thank you to everyone who has been there for me and Ed! Your support and prayers mean the world to us!